alone in a sea of people

i have been pondering something for a while, this was something that FMC pointed out in one of our sessions. we were talking and going through how i interact and feel when around others.
i prefer to be alone, i feel safe alone as there is nothing / no one for me to observe and track. where as in crowds i feel under great pressure to keep track over everyone. this presure seems to bring on my anxiety and a need to run away.
According to FMC the norm is the opposite, and i have been trying to comprehend this since we talked.
to me the logic would be safety = alone & danger =crowds. but this isnt the case obviously, i wander why? i know i could put up many arguaments as to why alone is safety but i also know my arguaments for my view points on crowds could be shot down quite easily.

I would like to hear others views an experiences on this, so please if anyone does read this please let me know what you think.

:)

sects, dregs and rotten rolls

over the last few months as i have avaiod posting i have had many enlightening thought sessions provoked by things i had seen or heard in the media and conversation in general. as i have left it so long between i cannot post about my thoughts and feelings as this would be like personal chinese wispers between myself.
i hope to do better soon.

(including my homework FMC, if i can remember what it is)

alone in a sea of people 2

its now sunday and i have been avoiding writing my posts for several weeks now. it is quite ridiculous as i am a very pro active person but i find it so hard doing this or my homeworks from FMC.
alone in a sea of people 2 - on friday i went into birmingham city centre at lunch time. i havent been their alone for over a year now, and probably only once with someone else. i knew how busy it would be, but i had to see how my feelings would differ. i had already talked to FMC about my experiences in york and how when i drove back on the friday of that week i had to drive to my office in birmingham before going home. as i came off of the motorway i felt a feeling of uneasyness and anxiety as i turned towards birmingham but as i late drove away home this lifted.
so on friday i went into birmingham, and my anxiety levels rose to panic at one time but i let it ride and it quickly subsided. i also found myself plottings everyones movements as i walked down new street to my destination. for those that dont know birmingham, new street can easily accomodate 1/4 to 1/2 million people and does get rather busy at lunch time.
my new task is to return on monday lunch and go to a bank on new street and see if my feelings have changed i will then re post.

alone in a sea of people

a couple of weeks ago now i took a new job, i had been told about it by one of my agents (a man i trust very much to advise me honestly) this job involved working for a large company at their birmingham office. Things didnt start exactly as we would have planned, i got a call from the agent late friday afternoon asking if there was any chance i could start earlier than we had planned (i wanted a week so i could tie up any other loose ends) . his call comprised of a "can you start on monday?" question, then in the same breath "can you start in york on monday?" (york is about 150 miles away). we arranged things, no interview, client to cover costs of hotels etc.
So that next monday i drove up to york, i wasnt nervous or anxious, infact i was quite happy. i have always liked york and spent much time there as a child.
the point of this post is, as i was there for several days and nights i had to walk around the city. york is a very placid place and i think this showed in my mood. i was able to walk around what could be described as a semi strange place at night and day without looking around me other than to observe my surroundings, even with several thousands of pounds worth of laptop on show.
what amazed me was how comfortable i felt, i had no need to run or hide just to enjoy life.

Elvis has entered the building

Well after what seems to be months and months away from my postings, "IM BACK" as someone once said.
The last few months have been very busy ones and things are now calming down so it is now time for me to start seeing and also observing what is going on around me.
I havent had to many problems over this time, i have my up days and down days but as i have explained before i used to use work amongst other things to keep my mind sufficiently busy so that i couldnt see what was happening within myself. Its not a good way to be even though it is nice to not be struggling and fighting with my mind and emotions.

Over the past weeks i have seen or watched things that have made me think, i saw one T.V. programme that was about self harm. It was quite enlightening as i would have never considered myself as a self harmer but as you saw the lifes of the people documented in the programme and analysed their lives i could see that how i used to run my life was a form of self harm. This included both the mental and physical activities that i took part in, dont worry FMC im not going to go off on a self harm tangent when i next see you.

Last night my wife said that she would like me to go back to my old career of contracting in the sense that i work for one employer for a long time not on a day to day hour to hour basis. Im writing about this as i found myself thinking and worrying about going back to work with strange people in strange places. Even though i loved that job i was always very worried and tense about what went on around me and who was near me.
My only question is "do i really want to go back to that life?"

I think its now time to say......yes to all i have failed in keeping this up reguarly but i will try harder now.

poppy will be your lucky flower

this last week as i have become busier than i have ever been. i have been watching myself and i have seem many old traits coming back. luckily as i know what they are i can see myself using the trick to lengthen my day and complete my tasks.
i dont want to go into the techniques that i have been using but some could be physically damaging but luckily i am able to step away and hopefully i will be able to step away more.

Hitting the wall

I think i am going to write a backwards mixed up kind of blog today. The reason is a have been monitoring myself all week after a very black few days last weekend. The prompt now though is that I have just been to the supermarket without any problems but as soon as i walked into my home i feel like i have hit a depression wall. My concentration span has gone, i feel like my head is both solid as i like to call it "i feel thick".
Now back to the story......... today is Sunday by the way, this all starts a week ago on Friday, my day was as normal but with an underlying frustration or or paranoia that i was doing to much and others weren't pulling their weight. This carried on for the day and due to tiredness that evening i went to bed early. When i awoke Saturday morning i was very depressed and angry at everyone, i quickly gathered my things and made a quick exit and went to the office. I knew the kind of day i would make a t home if i had stayed there, so to get out of peoples way was the best for all. this proved a good idea as when i had to use the phone i always ended up shouting and swearing. but post phone call i was depressive and guilt ridden.
My mental state over the the weekend was a very reserved but angry man, my reactions to all external communication was to get away (yes once again i was going to pack the car and leave). the sea has such a pull, but this time i was not bothered if i went out on my surf board and allowed the sea to just take me away.
Things have brightened during the week and returned to a more steady state, but i have been avoiding writing this post and many other post recently. I have found myself putting it down on my list of priorities.

some new on another front though, recently i have been in the street and my overriding need to keep track of everyone is starting to go away, and i don't need to look at the floor. It does make for a different life, i don't know if it is for the better yet as i think i am missing out on seeing so much. but i can only try to find a balance that i am happy with.

To Mark "Chopper" Brandon Read

its new years eve and the last few days since my last post have been relatively normal apart i have been getting very angry and waking during the night and morning with the shakes. i have to get through tonight in the company of others at a party.

so for all my few readers...

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

the funky bhudda

after nearly 4 weeks of mental peace the flood gates finally opened yesterday.
In the run up to the Christmas holidays i have had some very calm weeks mentally but this was artificially created through an exceptional amount of work in my intray. Im my past i used to block my thoughts by trying to divert all my mental processes to what can be called avoidant thoughts (work work work).
This last month has taken me back there and i have to say that the peace within was very welcome, but it also caused other problems. I was very unable to complete my homeworks and this did cause problems as it does frustrate both FMC and myself. My homework revolved around going to public places and rtying to put myself in to someone elses shoes and do the tak without using my methods for survival.
The tasks were very hard especially if i wasnt allowed to look at the floor instead of the people around.
when i finally did get to doing the exercise it was very difficult i tried many different tactics to completing the exercise all with differing levels of sucess.
The chance to have several weeks of peace was nice, even if it has come with its own problem of exhaustion.
as i said earlier in my blog, the peace came to the end yesterday with an outburst of ungratefulness and selfishness that quikly turned to self loathing, crying and hatered and the want to leave and start somewhere new. my need to be with the sea was at the highest it has been for many years.
im struggling with the post christmas blues hopefully as with many people all the buildup and booze and now the big let down, i hope it doesnt hold for long as i know there are others worse off than me.

un named

today has been quite a struggle, an mixture of depression, confusion and self doubt. Im typing this as quicklyas i can as im doubting everything that i think. the next thought takes over the previous and so on. im crying i have needed to go outside for the past several hours but i cant do it, i have looked out of the office windows and looked at others getting along with their lives, even wandering who could be another of the 1 in 4 of us depressives.
my instict is telling me to cry and hide, i dont know what to do, i hope nicky arrives soon.

Newtons Third Law of Motion

The last few days have been rather difficult in certain ways for me. Monday started as a normal day, but the pressures of work and life soon showed themselves after two alcoholic drinks at lunch to see a coleague off back to his home in New Zealand.
I have to say i was a horrible person, i was rude, crude and nasty to my wife and a member of staff (I have since appolgised and spent time in the dog house).
After very little sleep Monday night, i spent most of it in a state of high nervousness and in a medium episodic state. Tuesday morning was a combination of the shakes and semi incoherance. In hind sight i am trying to justify it to being a combination of the release of the energy that was showed the day before plus the aftermath of that too (dog house time). Plus also i was getting worked up about going to a small live lounge set by The Pigeon Detectives at Kerrang Radio. I have to say i was scared about going to this new place even with someone that i know quite well but had never spent time alone with. I even tried to get others to go instead.
These fears did lower as the time neared and the person i was going with arrived, and by the time of the gig i was quite relaxed other than my usual checking of where everyone was.
As Newtons Third law states : - for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

For MicroComputisLupus

Hi

I thought I would make my reply here and not on your blog for all you coleagues to see easily.
It is nice to hear that you are feeling better, i ahd thought that i had posibly frightened you away but it is very nice to hear from you.
I must agree that talking is one of the best and easiest ways to fight depression, unfortunatelly when you are depressed it is one of the hardest things to do. I find myself making excuses for when i must talk to my wife even if i realy need to talk to her, but as the old saying goes "the longest walk is from the chair to the table".

Please keep intouch and let me know how things go on.

:)

omiework...re-scription

this homework is to re visit the scene of my event in my mind, get to the last point that i can remember and then place myself in the room with my younger self and the man, and help the teen in the room.

...younger is on the bed having things done to him, i enter then the door is shut. my options would be:-
1 - leave him there as i know the future.
2 - drag him away and explain later, without approaching the man.
3- forcibly remove the man and then take younger whilst explaining.
4 - explain to younger what is going to happen and how it could affect his future life.
5 - forcibly remove younger without any regard for the man.
or any combination of the above.

im now in a very big quandry, as other than my mental health problems i am happy with my life and the things that i have seen on the way. would i want younger to miss out on those things, as my experiences are part of the sum of what makes me me. but i cant leave him there to have my fate. violence would make my as bad as him. to just explain and them leave him to make the decision is a great risk that i wouldnt want.

to finish......
im in the room down near the tv. i walk towards younger and him, i say to younger "we have to go, and i will explain later".
whilst doing this i place myself between younger and him and urge what must be a confused and shocked teenager to straighten his clothing all the time checking what the man is doing.
the man would leave the room to escape any reprisals or atleast move away as i think he would be like that, if not i would use my strength to make way.
we would exit the room and the house whilst letting younger know that all will be explained once i get him away.
when we are home i explain my fate at the mans hands and that i was only trying to save him from future harm, but i think the damage has already been done. my presence and the situation would have been enough to confuse.

feelings, nothing but feelings

ok....this is a what can be called live broadcast. im having feelings so im going to try put them down.
for the last couple of hours i have been distracted and found it hard to concentrate on work. i have got to the point now where i have been physically nervous for some time now, my head is starting to get cloudy and my jaw is tightening and clenching. when i have choises like comeputer menus, i know which one i need but i am finding it hard to choose it from the list and then question it when i have found it. i feel as though someone is over me .thoughts are comeing and going, with little knowledge of what they are. my concentration is focussed on this. im starting to feel the muscles pull up from my chest to my throat and jaw on my left side. the left side of my head feel differnent to the rest, feels cloudy and heavy, my right eye feels wider too.

The truth is out there

On friday FMC made a point and tried to figure out if i was holding back, as if in some way to protect others and her from what i know and have experienced. The point was based around the difficulties that i have in expressing what i am thinking (if i even know at the time) and how i do or dont convey it to others.
This morning i woke early and found myself thinking about this, it is very easy to say that i have come to some conclusions about this and not explain how i came to these conclusions.
so its time for me to ramble on a little (as i do). Firstly i will say that i came to the conclusion that i do in someway try to shield people from my past and my present. This has to be something that i must get past very quickly as it doesnt help me, and it also make FMC's job a whole lot harder as without the whole story how is she supposed to help me to the best of her ability.
My conclusions arise from thinking through past actions and decisions and current methods of living. I dont know how to put this into words but i will try. The points that made me think were:-
1:- My decision not to have children, that is a two part decision.
(i) The statement that "the abused become abusers" has always been in my mind and i cant allow my past to become someone else's future. TRYING TO PROTECT.
(ii) Also by not having children i am stoping through my own fear a child from having the same fate as me. TRYING TO PROTECT.
2:- For many years i didnt talk to anyone about my past, that was for many reasons.
(i) I didnt tell my parents to stop my father doing something stupid and ending up ruining his life, i also didnt think that they would understand and may ostracise me (the opposite to what they did when they found out). Finding out did hurt my parents but i think it hurt them the most because both i and they found it very hard to talk about. I also felt the cliches of being dirty and it being my fault (this is something that FMC has tried to address that maybe in my naivety i gave out the wrong signals, and it is a very hard thing to deal with but one of the areas that i feel i am going into quite well).
(ii) I didnt tell friends and other loved ones in a way to protect them from my experiences, it was easier for me to cope with them just thinking that i was a little odd than as i thought they would deal with me (how wrong was I)
3:- At present i tend to tell people only what they need to know for a given situation, in most situations this is ok, as in certain situations like getting a job i could guarantee that not getting the job by telling people that i have a fear of men and other things brought about by ...... . This is now becomeing a problem as i dont talk to my wife enough and i am finding it hard expressing things to FMC. This is coming about as i try not to let people know everything so as not to put upon them or disturb them. It is just another way of protecting people as i have found that when i do tell people their reaction can be very different to what i expected. I have found in the past it is amazing how many people have been abused in the past and the release of telling someone who has shared the same experiences is a great help.

So yes i do seem to be my own biggest hurdle, i have a habit of trying to protect others from something that will not harm them. It can also stimulate conversation and not always from myself as we all need to talk sometimes. So now im seeing what i am doing it maybe easier for me to get past it and forge ahead.

NEWS FLASH - Even though i am finding things hard, my sessions with FMC seem to be producing positive results, my episodes are receeding and their severity has dropped dramatically, im not saying im fine but improvements are happening. Thanks FMC

do androids dream of electric sheep?

It has been almost two weeks since my last post, this has been both deliberate and accidental. After a visit back to my home county to see some friends two weekends ago i slipped into quite a black period of depression for the most of last week. It could have been a mixture of going home and alcohol, but the week was quite difficult.
I have a friend back home, i havent seen her for a couple of years now. This friend is a bright and vibrant woman but also behind all the bubbles in her personality she is a reactive depressive who can be triggered by all manner of bad situations. I wouldnt consider myself a reactive depressive as my moods just go up and down and after a nice period of relative calm i hit quite a bad patch but i do believe external stimulus can play a part in the onset and regression of my depressive periods. For the most of the week both i and my wife will admit i was in a terrible bad mood, this wasnt helped by almost 3 days on relatively little sleep and very high stress. As the week progressed i slipped into a darker and darker mood and by Thursday / Friday i was ready to end it all in many different ways.
I was mainly ready to just drive away from my marriage, business and life and start again somewhere different. Sometimes i wondered what life was like when you could just go somewhere else, use a different name and there not be a paper trail to follow you. I think if the deppression had carried on for much longer i would have seriously considered something more stupid and drastic, but we wont go into that.

To my relief and as seems to be the case my depression did lift and life has gotten back to normal, or as normal as it can be with me. Nicki and i have talked, luckily it is something that i am learning to do more, as it is difficult as you do feel obliged not to ruin someone else's day when you want to talk.
I do feel sorry for FMC as she has chosen to be a therapist and she gets people like me that have these problems and fears and reactions to everyday life, i go to see her and we talk but i feel like i am cheating her as when we talk i find it very hard to explain why i am thinking and feeling how i am. Most of these actions seem so ingrained within me that there is no longer any thought or emotion behind, they are just there.
We are making progress though, even with the problems last week where nicki could and possibly wouldnt have come close to me. I am allowing more physical contact, hugs are getting easier.....it will be a long time before they are easy and without and complications.

Depression does have some benefits (not that i want them permanently). It does give you alot of time to think about your problems and sometimes even to start and solve them as the depression tends to block much of the rest of life out.
Last week FMC went to a conference and i was asked if could be used as a case study for her to present, i consented as any person with an ego would. I must admit though i am looking forward to hearing about my reception from the conference and would love to hear any sugestions from FMC's peers.
I am lucky as my periods are more sporadic, i know that i will come out and things will be brighter. In the end you do have to answer the title question.....YES. As like trees falling in a forest, yes there is a noise as we all have a voice and the ability to think and dream of our future, hopefully we will learn to leave the past behind.

in space no one eats ice cream

not much news this week, the last few week i seem to have calmed down. im not nervous for the majority of my time, after my homework non starter of previous weeks my calmness has caused the opposite problem but i have achieved something with it.
my other homework for the past week was to document my problem sleeping...... bit of a problem with that.
over the last week, my more settled demeanour has enabled my to sleep through practically every night.

it does seem that the tree does make noise if it falls in the empty forest.

hugs and kisses

after last weeks failure of my homework, this week i have to do it. I am proactive in my problems but i am also great at making excuses to avoid doing things ie. homework.
This weekend has been very busy and tiring but on saturday morning i held nicki in bed for approximately 20 minutes.
both my mental and physical states remained calm thoughout it all, i think i was more nervous before and after because of what i was doing and had done and the expectations of it all. i had has one small time where i had to make more cool air around my face but i didnt panic or pull away.
I will keep trying through the week.

The snitch at the cement works on the east river...

has reliably informed me.
(by the way i find this quite amusing) according to nicki, last night she tried to hug me and before she had even managed to get her arm around me i was making rapid breathing noises (similar to Hanibal Lecter) and when she moved away they stopped. i cannot remember any of this and can only asume that i was asleep or falling but still aware of my surroundings. nicki now seems to think that i am planning to murder her whilst i am asleep.....lol
also last night, in one of my early hours awake periods i went to hug nicki and as i put my hand on her my breathing speeded and deepened and i felt faintly scared.

not an ABC but i can work on that later.

No sleep till brooklyn

The hug homework has got off to a little bit of a false start over the weekend. to start with nicki was treating it as a little bit of a joke.
Friday night in bed the hug was fine, i felt my breathing tense up a little and my alertness went up quite dramatically with my hearing playing the largest part. i was able to stay there for quite sometime but had to move in the end as i was totally unable to settle for sleep. Nicki was behind me on this occasion, earlier in the week she held me from the front and i found it very constricting and claustrophobic.
last night i went to bed earlier than nicki but didnt get to sleep, so when nicki came in she held me thinking i was asleep. my urge to pull away took less time and i did resist it for as long as possible. i found myself very alert and on edge last light and only managed 2-3hrs sleep at the most. It was quite a difficult night with my mind racing for the majority of it.

the flight of the bumble bee

After a rather dificult session this morning with CMF <----- (thats a good hint if you dont want to use your real name) CMF was determined for me to have a difficult time this morning, i cant blame her as due the week that i have had i did make for more things to talk about.
i dont really want to talk about the session as it was mainly a replay of my week and discussions based on that, the outcomes though have produced my homework, i do have two pieces this week that are based around intangibles and the feelings that they will arise.
my homework is :-
1. to allow my wife to hug me, everyday and document the events.
2. to find a hotel with a four poster bed so we can arrange a field trip. ( info - i have a phobia of 4 post beds as the room my incident was in had one, i have only been in a room with one once since then and i had to leave and request another room even though the hotel had been nice enough to give it to me as a free upgrade)

Tell me about your mother

Time to get down to my homework:-
after having such an up and down week my homework is either going to comethrough easily (hopefully) or be such a chore.
this week i have to talk about anger - this list wont be very accurate but may be added to at later date.
Times that i have allowed myself to be come angry.
1. age approx 10 - as i child my brother was annoying me this one time, as siblings do. to start let me decribe myself and my brother as children. my brother is 2.5yrs older than me and was always roughly double my size. this particuar day big brother just took it too far, and even with our size differences i wrestled him to the floor and pinned him down with a chair leg in his mouth. i then told him if he didnt stop the leg would go in.
2. age approx 15 - me friend and i were out one evening and we bumped into someone that at the time he wasnt getting along with. the situation developed at the time into a fight between the two of them we myself as a bystander. during the fight the other person grabbed my friend by the genitals and squeezed. this made me mad as to me that ws very dirty fighting, so i pulled him off my friend and proceeded to land several very angry blows and kicks. once i had told him that i didnt like what he had done the situation calmed and we all left (believe or not we have all been friends since then).
3. age approx 28 - Whilst i was recovering from my breakdown, i was cared for by my ex girlfriend Amy. Even though at the time i wasnt allowed to leave my home alone i used to quite alot as i couldnt cope with having my life taken away. One particualar night i have gone to the resaraunt that my brother worked at to see him. mentally that night i wasnt in a fit state, amy was there working i think and she said something to me. i dont know what she said or what happened but the next thing i knew was that i had picked her up by the kneck and was holding her in mid air. once i knew what i was doing i put her down and ran away. the rest of the night is a blur unfortunately.
4. over the last few years i have had times where i get rather angry at just minor things, they are more just thoughless actions. people not cleaning up after themselves etc... i simmer for a while and bottle it up, then blow up and then go away and calm down, the worst
I dont like anger or confrontation my friends used to say that i was the most placid person that they knew.

I now have extra homework through the joys of the internet.
this is based on my posts earlier this week about my panics.
the senario - im in the shop and start to panic, i dont run away, im aware that its happening, i try not to show it.
1. What would others think? - most people now wouldnt look twice, they would just think i was ill or mad and get on with thier business.
2. What happens if i show it? - i get looked at, or people comment or they just ignore me.
3. What happens before, during and after?
BEFORE - im genrally nervous or aprhensive about where im going or where i am.
DURING - i get more nervous, my nervous symptoms show more, i try to be more aware of my surrounding. my flight response keeps telling me to leave, but i fight it. at its most extreme i start to loose comprehension of my surroundings.
AFTER - im tired, nervous but calming, emotional, want to be alone, i need to see the sea.

this week i have realy struggled, i have spent alot of time in nervousness and mild panic. i have wanted more that ever to hold my wife dusring my sleepless times in the night, im getting very tired now. but my overwhelming reaction to people at the moment is to keep them away. last night in her sleep nicki touched me, i wanted it, i would have liked her to hold me but a large part of me was just trying to pull away and put as much distance as i could between us whilst staying in bed. i hate it, i know i have to fight it, but it is hard having one part of you wanting one thing and another the total opposite.

reply to CMF

you have too much free time on your hands.....it feels like i have a stalker :0)
thanks for the extra work

the last few days

The last few days have been quite funny after a weekend of being quite angry at others I came to work on monday in a calm but nervous state. This didnt last for long as Monday lunchtime whilst out i started to suffer from panic. On the advice of CMF i let it carry on and peak, i must say it is not a fun experience to be in a store trying to buy something whilst panicing and trying not to show it. I did struggle through it but the over bearing instinct that i had was to run away, this carried on through the rest of the day even when i had to spend several hours with a client.
That night and the next morning i both went to sleep and awoke with mild panic.
Tuesday was much the same as Monday but the panic was milder. I did both go to sleep and awake again wednesday morning panicing with small slips in and out of mild convulsions on wednesday morning.
I have been thinking about my "omiework" :) (sorry CMF i had to get one back for your "this is your last therapy session" prank last week)
It has been quite difficult to plot when i have been angry and let it come out or just bottled it up. I will move onto it later.

Omiework

A brief explanation to start with, my home work is to describe my thoughts and feeling that i have when i think about the room and the man involved.
I think the best way is for me to set things up by describing what is in my memories, with any hope it will help promote my feelings.

what i can remember is sitting on the bed, he is infront of me with a wall behind him, he is reaching over and playing with me. the room is pink, there are magazines around and the bed is a four poster.
the feelings that thinking about this is currently bringing are:-
sickness
escape
run
push
nervousness
lost
confusion
fear

addendum

i forgot to mention yesterday that i have been showing sign of quite obvious nervousness as i have been scratching and rubbing my head almost constantly. Now when i touch it, it does feel quite sore. I have known that i was doing it and havent now tried to stop or wanted to infact.
On a better note this morning i gave my wife a hug, this hug lasted sometime and i didnt feel the need to pull away. I know it wont be this way every time but atleast it is a small start.

sleepless in.........

After last weeks expectations of big problems, they never materialised. I also went to some new places and didnt feel overly nervous, and after a visit to the city centre on saturday (always something that i never relished) with no want to get out I have coped rather fine. In the market i was very aware of what was going on around me and rather vigilant but i didnt allow it to run my experience.
Its now Tuesday and I have had two very bad nights sleep (if you could call it sleep) and im getting rather tired and nervous, the forgetfullness is also becoming a problem. Im sure if i sleep tonight i will be ok.

T minus 1 and counting

Last night i got home from work after an afternoon of struggling to work, and for the next 1-2 hours i just cried and felt helpless. I think i am as i would put it "coming up on a big one" prbably in the next couple of weeks i will sink into a deep depression with a good quanity of dispare. Fortunately these only last for a couple for days, but the before and after effects last for weeks.
One of my main concerns last night was that how can i not tell my wife and family how much i love them when they are there but when they arent the feelings are so powerfull.
Today i have been getting more and more emotional and it is only almost 11am.

no title

its been a rough couple of days, since tuesday night ive got more agitated, im now at the point where i want to get in the car and drive away. it all started tuesday evening, i was finding myself to be more easily distracted, my sleep paterns were disturbed and also by one of the dogs. Wednesday morning i was having mild convulsions and wasnt very mentaly competant as well as unsteady on my feet when i got out of bed. I had a similar night last night but got out of bed earlier than expected today, its early afternoon now and im getting quite fretful and feeling the urge to escape. my work rate has fallen to almost non existant but it will keep plodding on.

notes

After a small amount of thought, i have decided that posting or trying to post every day is just a waste of time, to just add an note saying that today has been just ok helps no one. My efforts would be better put in to my musings and when things get bad. i hope to still post several times a week as i do have many ups and downs. But its better to document all things well than many things badly.

millie pulled a pistol on santa

Today i have been working at home (yes im sad enough to work saturdays, but as i loose so much time during the week through concentration problems i spread my week over the 7 days now. Plus my wife utilises my funny periods as her personal web researcher). While i work i like to have music playing, one of the great things about PC based mp3 players is the great random function.
ok back to the musings, while i was working a great aerosmith track came on, "janey's got a gun" this got me thinking (unfortunately for me i can think about many things at once, i like music as it allows one of my other trains of thought to be taken up with something easy), for those that dont know the track, its about a girl that is abused by her father and the revenge that she exacts on him. the song is much like "millie pulled a pistol on santa" by DeLa Soul.
What these songs got me thinking about wasn't revenge on the man, i have had several friends that offered to do that in the past & have turned them all down as it just isn't me. the songs got me thinking about someone that i used to work with and how we used to talk about things.
I have to get one thing clear, I DONT BELIEVE IN GOD, im not aethiest, agnostic or any of the others. After my rape i came to the decision that there cant be a god if he/she/it allows things like that to happen to innocents. For the nosey ones of you "yes i was a virgin, and remained one for quite a while after my experience".
Back to the point of this blog, this gent that i worked with was a very intelligent man, a devout muslim (which i have to praise him for the strength of his belief). For those that dont know, muslims believe that god gives them their lot and they should be happy and praise him for that, much like all other religions. so when i told him about what had happened to me and his response was a simple "that is gods wish, be happy with that" it got me thinking about how small minded and brainwashed people can be.
My point is that if this man's wife was killed at the hands of a drunk driver, would he be so flippant with his gods wish comments, or would he calmly accept that reasoning from another.
I don't like to talk religion or politics as we all can have quite strong views, all of which can be valid. But for any person to so blindly follow unsound doctrines cannot be good for anyone. Im sure someone from the religious right or left would quite happily imprison janey or millie for killing their abusive fathers and never bat an eyelid if someone said an eye for an eye.

I dont condone violence, i would be happy if the world turned to meat eating bhudists and were just nice to each other. but if your a janey or a millie consider your actions as not everyone that percieves themselves as good would see the correctness in your actions.

what a wonderful life :)

Its Friday morning and i have just had my session with CMF, and after a 2 week layoff the session got quite in a swing. It was very hard work but turned out quite fruit full.
CMF knows that i am quite good at avoiding subjects and so after one or two false starts the session did get quite taxing and made me both very nervous, anxious and also got me emotional enough to bring a tear or two to my eye.
My homework from the previous session was to enter situations that make me anxious and not try to escape or change the situation, the airport last week being quite a big one. Also this morning i changed my routine from when i parked the car to getting to my session with CMF, i added another task other than getting to the session. The normal task usually involves me walking a certain route. I changed this route and even added the goal of finding the office of a particular company in a part of town that i had never been to. My goal of finding the company failed but situation was enough to raise my stress levels, and i also resisted going back and walking my route afterwards.
Back at the session we talked about the day of the incident and discussed more in depth about the situations of victim / instigator. unfortunately as i don't remember too much about the whole time we were hypothesizing and talking about teenage hood and how a person responds to a situation, or how their mannerisms affect what or how others respond to them.
I, as i know many others find it very hard to say "i am the victim" you always carry with you the thoughts based on 'what if' 'did i' ' was it me' or many other variations. Today helped to bring many of mine to light, even though i know that i think them, saying them and exploring them more so are very difficult. My doubts and punishments seem to be based on the fact that even though i am obviously masculine i do allow my feminine side to show through and always have. could this have given the man the wrong signals. did idle chit chat bring out the fact that as a teenager i didn't have a girlfriend, i had a crush on a girl but that is as far as it went. I was very naive as a teenager and have been told many times since that i couldn't see someone making advances to me even if they shouted it into my ears and kissed me.
So thinking about it did i have the wrong combination of signs as a teenager that attracted this person to do what they did. this doesn't change the fact that i was a victim but can help me figure out the "why me" part that is always there. This why me has been quite a big prompt for the actions that i have done since with my life and my body.
As i have said before i am not interested in knowing what happened that day, but to truly settle and be able to move on i need to sort out the whys?????
what if:-
i hadn't gone to is house would things be different - probably, but by this happening it has opened so many other routes in my life that may have never been there.
what if i had denied myself to myself and i was gay - sorry guys you just arent my thing, women just have that thing that attracts me......maybe im a lesbian!!!!!
what if i had killed myself after - that wouldnt answer anything, i may have caused more hurt to others than i have ever been through myself.
what if it was me that actually started it - i believe that maybe my naivety could have opened me up as an easy target.
what if i had said yes out of curiosity - i have never been gay curious. from a designers perspective "men just dont have the beauty of form that a woman has"
was i just in the wrong place at the wrong time - i could well have been. but i think maybe over time i may have been groomed through regular visits to this persons home.
what if i had had a girlfriend - i dont think that would have put him off, would have just made home more cautious.
is being slightly effeminate a problem for a man or just a problem with society - that is for you to answer!!!!
did my inquisitive mind and naivety get me into trouble without knowing - yes.
had i been groomed - i remember him being a gay male with no bisexual leanings, but why did he have hertero sexual porn magazines.

i could go on and on (i think) but that is not the point, i don't need to come to peace with the past and stop punishing myself about it. but what i need the most is to open up my future and learn to relax in the world that i am in now. a world that i know is as safe for me as it is for anyone else, one where i can both give an receive love and affection. It would be nice to be able to hold my wife or parents and not have the voice in the back of my mind saying 'pull away you are too close, you are unsafe'
As CMF and i talked earlier, i developed a tool set for survival as a teenager. these tools helped in the short term. but over the last twenty years i have seen them ruin relationships and sections of my life, i have also seen them open new doors that never may have happened. but in a simplistic sense they are now broken and useless for my life now and for the future that i want to have.
my 'omework' <---(CMF that ones for you) for this week is based around the tool set. the goal is to list my tools for survival and then to propose another set more suited to life now. I will amend this page as i write the lists.
Current tools:-
1. Runaway physically (my favorite - to the sea, or just move home)
2. Block emotions.
3. keep myself mentally active.
4. Never be in one place too long (doesnt really happen anymore as i have responsibilities now...work ugh)
5. Mental colapse (my brain is part of me, and it is its way of telling me enough is enough!!!)
6. Constant monitoring of my surrounding, at home or in public. Visually or Auraly.
New Tools:-
1. Relax
2. Trust
3. Alow the panic to set in, and then let it go away.
4. Believe in my belief that other people are good.